


License to love you

by Centum



Category: Star Wars: The Old Republic
Genre: M/M, SWTOR, theron shan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-28
Updated: 2015-12-28
Packaged: 2018-05-09 23:46:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5560564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Centum/pseuds/Centum
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was devastated when Theron Shan dumbed my male-SI, Darth Marnh on Yavin. That one moment was the reason I began to write about them, because BioWare, how could you do that to my Marnh? I  went back to that exact moment in Yavin to see how Marnh felt, and to let Theron put things right. It felt good! One-shot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	License to love you

**Marnh speaks:**

"So, I guess this is goodbye," I hear Theron saying to Lana. I stop. I don't want to get closer. I know I'll be the next person hearing those words from him.

But maybe...Then I shake my head like a wet dog in order to get rid of all my irrational thoughts. I'm a fool if I think whatever was between us would go on.

When I saw him for the first time...It felt like being hit with something that simultaneously took my breath away, made my heart race and paralysed me. "Gods, what a MAN!" I thought. He stood there next to Lana, hands crossed over his chest, looking at me with suspicion. Of course I had to say something sassy to him, how could I not? I had to make clear to him that this Darth happens to prefer men and only men, and is totally available if Theron Shan decides to use his advantages. He never did...But he never told me to bug off either. Is this what they call mixed signals?

Where was my instinct of self preservation? Did it go for a vacation? I have been protecting myself from a broken heart all my life, and I've been pretty successful thus far. No one had any business trying to get close to me.

Before Lana Beniko contacted me and I began to work with her and Theron Shan, I didn't know it was possible to be close to someone without actually being close to that person. I have told myself time and time again that I'm only imagining things, I'm messing my head with wishful thinking and fantasies. Yet, I can't drop the feeling of being connected to Theron with an invisible thread. I feel like I have known him all my life. Maybe it is just because I can't stop thinking about him, no matter what I'm doing. I swear when I landed the last hit on Revan, my thoughts were on Theron.

I can't read Theron. He is a genius at hiding his mind. I'm ashamed to admit I tried, just a little. I don't usually read minds. Even Lana couldn't read him, and she is talented at it. We all have our specialities, and I'm not talented that way, just like I can't heal a scratch in someones knee. I'm a talented killer, that's all. Theron has been trained very well to guard his mind. I wish I would have his talents in guarding my heart, whatever I have left of it after living my crap life almost 30 years.

Lana leaves. Theron looks at me. I hesitate, and then I walk to him. It is difficult to face him, and anxiety makes me stiff. I don't want to look at him, but I can't help myself. I lift my eyes and meet his. His eyes are like amber, warm golden-brown. He does look a bit like Satele Shan, his mother. But Theron, he is manly in a way that makes my heart beat faster, not to mention turning me on. It's like someone looked into my dreams and used them to sculpture him, just to mess with me.

"That Lana, she is something to watch...or watch out for," Theron says to me, with fake cheerfulness in his voice.

I lose my temper immediately. Don't you dare even try that with me! Don't you dare try to be like there was _nothing_ between us.

"I'm not here to talk about Lana!"

Theron's appearance softens, and he walks closer to me.

"Hey...we don't have to," he says, and his voice gets a gentle tone.

I know my face shows no emotion, I have trained myself well. But then my eyes betray me. Everything turns blurry, and I try to blink the tears away. I rather die than cry in front of him. I can cry when I'm alone, but not...I don't want to let him see how much I fear the next minutes. The inevitable sting of pain and hopelessness. The knowledge of losing him for good. The inevitable battle to drag myself back to my joyless life, back to seek for more power in hope it will set me free. Back to my numb existence. I have allowed myself to feel too much for him, and going back to my real life will be a struggle I secretly hoped I don't have to face. But the hit is coming, I can see it in him. I can feel it in him.

"What a ride, huh? Never figured it would be like...this. Well, if someone would have told me what I will face in Rishi and Yavin, I would have called him crazy. All this family fun with Revan and Satele, and then you..." Theron doesn't continue after that.

Just him acknowledging my existence by saying " _you_ " makes me weak and warm and...And...Tears fill my eyes again and I swallow them down as fast as I can. I take a deep breath to get my emotions under control, and then I ask, voice sharper than I intended:

"Care to finish that though?"

"I won't lie, you have been one of the two bright spots in all of this," Theron says. He seeks my eyes, like looking for answers, or maybe he tries to see what I feel. Like my feelings would matter.

"Two?"

"Well, look there is no easy way to say this..." Theron says, and he looks confused and awkward.

I feel the sickening fear rising up my spine and reaching my throat in a second. I take a sharp breath, like to prepare for a physical hit that is coming. I don't lie, if he would hit me I could take it, but I don't know how I will survive the invisible hit that is coming my way right this moment. I bite my teeth together so hard they ache.

"I mean, we both knew this would end up eventually..." He continues. Have mercy, I almost wince, but I will not allow him to see my pain. I feel so horrible that escaping to numbness feels only welcoming, and I slip back into it like I would have never left it's arms.

"Republic gave me a new job, a big one..." Theron says, but he doesn't look happy.

"I'm happy for you," someone says with my voice. Oh hey, look, you are back, Darth Marnh who feels nothing. Just when I needed you the most!

"I guess I can see where this is leading," I continue.

"Soon as we rejoin the fleet and make the jump to light speed, that's it. No more truce. You and I, we probably won't exchange another word ever again." He looks down at his feet.

I don't want to try to guess his feelings. One lesson I have learned about people and it is that it's best to believe what they tell you, especially when you don't like what you hear. He said what I knew he would say: He has decided I'm not worth the trouble. He doesn't want me in his life.

I'm so stupid. What was there exactly going on between us? Flirting and one kiss, looks, not-so-accidental touches, talking about work while staring at each other for hours. There was a hungry look in his eyes. He seemed to always be where I was, seeking for my company, and I was so happy about it. I teased him by saying he must be infatuated with me. He denied and took some distance to me after that...But he came back eventually. Again, believe what people tell you. If he said he wasn't infatuated with me, then he wasn't.

I have to kiss him. I have to, just to taste him for the one last time.

I take a step forward and I look at him.

"Who needs words?" I say, and then I kiss him.

His lips are so warm, so hard, so...desperate. Mine are too. I inhale his scent to remember it, though I already know I will never forget it.

We kiss and kiss and he holds me tight, like not wanting to let me go. I want to stop the time. I want to stand with him like this, kissing him, feeling his warmth and strength and...him just being him.

But I have to wake up from this dream. I have to believe what he said. Anything else would just add to my suffering.

I pull away, turn around and without looking back, I take a few steps.

"Why don't you just ask him? Why do you play hide and seek with yourself? Why don't you just tell him how you feel? You have nothing to lose, do you?" I hear my own voice in my head so clearly it is like someone would stand next to me, speaking to me.

I stop for a moment, and I look behind me, back to him. He is still standing there, looking at me.

No. I can't stand the idea of him telling me I'm alone in this, alone with my feelings. I'm sure for him I was just a fling, something entertaining. He will go back to his life like I never existed. I can't stand the idea of him thinking I'm desperate and pushy. I have my dignity.

I keep walking away from him.

* * *

**Theron speaks:**

I see how Marnh stops for a moment and looks back at me. "Say it," I think "Tell me I'm not just imagining all this. Tell me you want to see me again, no matter what. I'm all yours if you just ask me to be..."

But he doesn't. After a few seconds he keeps walking away from me. I stand there as long as I can see him. Wind is blowing hard, lifting his cape and allowing me to see the shapes of his back. Even his back is beautiful.

There is something very graceful in how Marnh carries himself.

When I can't see him anymore, I turn around and leave to Republic shuttle. Time to join that damnable fleet. Time to jump to that damnable light speed. Damn with this. Why did I have to say all that? What if I REALLY never see him again?

Never is an awfully long time.

When Lana introduced us in Manaan, my first thought was: "That Sith is so beautiful!" Tattoos on his face might look scary, even off-putting to someone, but for me they just add to his charms. I'm used to being around Zabraks. I think they are an awesome species. They are fierce, independent and brave. They have a high moral code of their own. They have integrity.

And the first thing that came out from the mouth of that stunning beauty was a flirt directed to me:

"If you'd like to join the Empire, I could put in a word..." And then a wicked smile.

The hot flash that went through me left me absolutely breathless.

Lana teased me later and told me Marnh had said I'm not "bad to look at." My God, I wanted to march to him and tell him the same and then some, and then take him, right there. On the floor, if I had to.

I think I'm in love. And here I thought things like love aren't for me.

I'm bad at relationships. I downright suck in them. Maybe it is because of my background and childhood without parents, maybe I'm just built that way, who knows? Fucking up my marriage left me scarred. Not so much because of me, but because of her. I hurt her. I was a lousy husband, never there for her, not even when I was at home. I cheated on her. Several times. I don't know what happened to me when I got married...It was like I became a whole different person. I hated myself, hated the man I became with her. It wasn't her fault, she tried her best. She tried to understand me, and the more she tried, the more I got annoyed by her. Then I just cheated on her so shamelessly she couldn't overlook it anymore and she filed a divorce. Job well done. I swore I'll never marry again.

I play for both teams, if that matters somehow. Maybe I'm just so fucked up I can't decide which way to swing? I've always thought I'm a bit more attracted to women than men...But after meeting Marnh...Let's just say my pants have felt uncomfortably tight lately. You could put the sexiest woman of this galaxy next to him and I wouldn't even notice her.

What kind of a sick humour is it from this universe to make me fall in love with a Sith?

I really believed it was the right thing to do... To tell him there is no place for "us" in this world we live in. The moment I let those words out from my mouth, I regretted them. I wanted to take them back. But...I did what anyone in my situation would do, right? I have always done what was expected from me when it comes to the Republic. I love the Republic. I love SIS. I love...him.

* * *

Life goes on, as it always does. I try to give the new job my full concentration. I work fourteen hours a day. I travel places to work even more. No matter how much I work, and tire myself out, I keep thinking of Marnh.

I toss around my bed at nights, dreaming of him. I wake up from my dreams with a huge boner, no wonder there is no blood left for my brains. I just can't stop thinking about him. I try to drink myself senseless, but then I just start to pity myself and I get totally obsessed with him.

I wait every single day for him to contact me. Every day I realise it is useless, he won't because I told him it is over, there can be no "us". He takes me seriously enough to believe what I say. I respect him even more.

Yet again I sit alone at home, half-dead from over-working myself, and I let myself fall in fantasies of him. Him kissing me, touching me, lying next to me when I wake up. Him being in my life.

From that my thoughts travel to the only time I dated a man in a way we could call "serious". He pursued me, and I liked him. He was a nice person. After four months he broke up with me. He said I'm so passive with him it drives him crazy and he doesn't want to have a relationship where he has to do all the work. I...I guess he had a point there. I know I'm not like that with women. With women I know what they want, they want to be pursued and I can deliver. But with men...I don't know what to do. I just take what they give, and I have no idea what else than sex they expect from me. I don't know what men want. I don't even know what I want. As I said before, I suck in relationships. I don't commit, and I don't know how to give.

Here I hope every day Marnh would contact me even though I made clear to him I'm his enemy now. He pursued me, and I let him. I never told him how I felt about him, but now I expect him to show me how he feels about me. I let him pursue me, and then I told him there is no hope for us. I...gave him nothing. I didn't give him any reason to believe I had feelings for him. I'm an idiot. No, I'm a total imbecile. If I'm hoping him to come to me, I will be waiting for a long time. It is my turn to contact him, if there is any contacting in order. It is me who has to take the next step, my turn to pursue him.

I stand up and I run back to SIS. I don't hesitate, nothing can stop me now. If he doesn't answer to me, then I know it is over for good and I can at least get over him. I don't have to live in the world of "ifs". This is now on me. At least I know I tried.

I just have to find him. It doesn't take long for me to find out he is near Alderaan, and I just need to get to the same system as him to send him a message at his ship. I have to do this in a hard way because I don't have his comm-code. Are we doing something near Alderaan? Yes we are! That particular operation clearly needs my participation.

Two days later I'm there. His Fury is still there too. We don't know what he is up to, but I really don't care. All I can think is that he is not far from me. I ask our comm-engineer to open a channel for me to the Fury. I tell them to use my name, that will probably do the trick. After a moment she comes to tell me the line is open now and I can speak to the Fury if I want to. I don't have that much courage. I'm afraid I would just say something wrong again. I tell her I will send a holo-text:

"Hi Marnh! It's been few busy months for me, how are you doing? I'm near Alderaan too, and I thought it would be nice to catch up with you. Would you meet me? Ps. I can't stop thinking about you. Yours: Theron Shan"

There. Not the most sophisticated mating call in this galaxy, but best I can do. I press "send", and then I feel how all the butterflies of every world wake up in my stomach. I try to relax for a few minutes, I try to use every technique I know but it is useless. I stand up in order to leave, I don't want to sit here waiting and biting my nails. When I'm on the door, I hear a signal. There is a message. It can't be...did he answer right away? I run back to press "accept" and I read his message:

"Hello Theron! Meeting you would be my pleasure. Tell me the time and the place and I will be there. You are always on my mind too. Marnh."

I have to sit down. I don't know if I should laugh from happiness or cry from relief. I will see him. I can still fix this. I can still tell him that if I have to, I will turn this world upside-down to be with him. Damn with SIS, damn with the Republic, damn with every Jedi, damn with everything that tells me I can't love him. For once I'll do something just because I need it, just because how I feel. Everything else can go to hell.

"Tomorrow, 7 p.m., The Singing Thranta. It's in the Centrum. I can't wait to see you. Theron."

"I will be there. The feeling is mutual. Marnh."

Suddenly I just know everything will be alright.

* * *

Note: "License to love" is a song from my favourite singer, Kim Junsu.

I wanted to fall in love  
But I broke down  
What I want is you  
I won't let go of you anymore

Now you're always my priority  
You're the best star in the world  
I'll be your biggest fan  
To get a license to love you

 


End file.
